Attempted Manslaughter By A Conspiracy of "Parktards"
We interrupt the regularly schedule radio silence of this blog to provide you with a news bulletin regarding the attempted manslaughter of this blog's author by a conspiracy of two nameless, faceless "parktards".
What is a "parktard" you might be wondering? Well, Webster's defines it as ... well, ummm. OK. Actually, Webster's doesn't define it. At least I don't think it does. I'm too lazy too look it up. But I'm pretty sure Webster's doesn't actually define it. So, I will.
Parktard is a term I have lovingly coined to describe those individuals who exhibit the symptoms of a very specific mental retardation. That is, the inability to park their vehicle within the narrow confines of the designated parking space, often with absolute disregard for the physical safety and mental health of those who may wish to park in an adjacent space or, even worse, someone who is already occupying said adjacent space.
Yesterday, I was the victim of a well-financed and highly organized conspiracy of two parktards, executed with nearly lethal efficiency. Here, we see parktard number one pictured.
Upon arriving back at my office for lunch, this parktard was parked two spaces away from the space I parked in. As you can see he was parked way over the line. It was at that time that I made the near-fatal assumption that nobody would be foolish enough to try to squeeze their vehicle into the remaining space.
Which leads us to parktard number two:
I discovered the co-conspirator as I was ready to depart my office. By this time, parktard number one had left the scene of the crime. As you can see, there was precisely one inch of clearance between the passenger side of the second parktard and my vehicle. I attempted to enter my vehicle on the driver's side, but the futility was quickly obvious. Left with no alternative, I opted to enter my rather small vehicle from the passenger side. While the execution of this maneuver was successful, you can see that it came at great cost and personal injury.
I initially planned on driving to the emergency room to see about getting some stitches to seal up the wound, but it was a Friday afternoon, and there was a lot of traffic, so I decided to live on the edge and tough it out. What can I say? That's how I roll.
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What is a "parktard" you might be wondering? Well, Webster's defines it as ... well, ummm. OK. Actually, Webster's doesn't define it. At least I don't think it does. I'm too lazy too look it up. But I'm pretty sure Webster's doesn't actually define it. So, I will.
Parktard is a term I have lovingly coined to describe those individuals who exhibit the symptoms of a very specific mental retardation. That is, the inability to park their vehicle within the narrow confines of the designated parking space, often with absolute disregard for the physical safety and mental health of those who may wish to park in an adjacent space or, even worse, someone who is already occupying said adjacent space.
Yesterday, I was the victim of a well-financed and highly organized conspiracy of two parktards, executed with nearly lethal efficiency. Here, we see parktard number one pictured.
Upon arriving back at my office for lunch, this parktard was parked two spaces away from the space I parked in. As you can see he was parked way over the line. It was at that time that I made the near-fatal assumption that nobody would be foolish enough to try to squeeze their vehicle into the remaining space.
Which leads us to parktard number two:
I discovered the co-conspirator as I was ready to depart my office. By this time, parktard number one had left the scene of the crime. As you can see, there was precisely one inch of clearance between the passenger side of the second parktard and my vehicle. I attempted to enter my vehicle on the driver's side, but the futility was quickly obvious. Left with no alternative, I opted to enter my rather small vehicle from the passenger side. While the execution of this maneuver was successful, you can see that it came at great cost and personal injury.
I initially planned on driving to the emergency room to see about getting some stitches to seal up the wound, but it was a Friday afternoon, and there was a lot of traffic, so I decided to live on the edge and tough it out. What can I say? That's how I roll.
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Labels: rant
posted by eric at
2/16/2008 12:05:00 PM
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